Holidays

It has been just one day since my family and I arrived home from a holiday in Queensland. It was a much-anticipated trip and one that was relaxing and rejuvenating.

We departed from home on the day following my last in a job that had ultimately required more time and energy than I could afford to give. I was extremely fortunate to have held the position that I did and am grateful for the many positive aspects of the work, such as collaborating with some particularly extraordinary and dedicated women... but life seems to be pulling me in a different direction. I am not sure where to just yet but as usual I am trying to trust in the journey and live in the moment and am extremely grateful to have the opportunity to do just that.

For now however, my focus is firmly set on not losing the 'holiday spirit'. Not too suprisingly I guess but as soon as we hit the freeway to home I felt myself naturally drawn to thinking of all the things that needed to be attended to on our arrival. This morning I seem to be continuing in this vain... arrggghhh!

The sun rises early in Queensland and so did I. I rarely looked at the clock and decisions about meals were joyfully made on a daily not weekly basis. The main determination related blissfully to walking destinations... and there were many of inordinate beauty...

Life

I am currently working on my final TAFE assignment for this year. This semester has been messy, to say the very least and my class attendance has been abysmal. The reasons have been valid but as someone who prides themselves on conscientiousness, it has been difficult to let go when it's been necessary.

What is crucial I have learnt, is to get my priorities sorted... and that starts with identifying just exactly what they are. I have spoken previously about shoulds and musts, yet I am constantly amazed at how quickly they can make their way into my subconscious... if I am not living with awareness...

And that is the key for me; to find the space and time to properly process my thoughts and feelings so that I may act on THAT and not on what I think I think might be the way to proceed!

I have learnt a bucket-load about Photoshop this year, but also fortunately so much more about myself.

Leo

Ahhhh... a cuppa by the sea this morning - what a delightful way to start the day!

and something for the Leo's out there, courtesy of today's Sunday Life lift-out from The Sunday Age,

Your focus is on the horizon.

Think ahead two-plus years:

what does your dream career look like,

and what will it take to make it happen?

It's time to get started on getting ahead.

Dream the impossible dream. 

Transcendence

On the Sea

It keeps eternal whisperings around

Desolate shores, and with its mighty swell

Gluts twice ten thousand caverns, till the spell

Of Hecate leaves them their old shadowy sound

Often 'tis in such gentle temper found,

That scarcely will the very smallest shell

Be moved for days from whence it sometime fell,

When last the winds of heaven were unbound.

Oh ye! who have your eye-balls vexed and tired,

Feast them upon the wideness of the Sea;

Oh ye! whose ears are dinned with uproar rude,

Or fed too much with cloying melody, -

Sit ye near some old cavern's mouth, and brood

Until ye start, as if the sea nymphs quir'd!

John Keats, 1817

I love the poetry of John Keats and thoroughly enjoyed the film 'Bright Star' which starred Abbie Cornish and Ben Whishaw. It was directed by Jane Campion and is every bit as beautiful and brilliant as her other movies such as The Piano and An Angel at my Table.

I have been reminded of this film and felt the inspiration of John Keats' extraordinary work today, as I have been preparing for some TAFE assignments.  I felt called to create something in the theme of the sea as I have yearned for it this year, alongside a recent focus on the beauty and wonder of dolphins.

The sea in Keats' poem is a metaphor for life.  The ocean can be violent and powerful but can also be calm and gentle.  I was particularly drawn to one analysis (http://www.eliteskills.com/c/6726) which suggested that "Keats calls those who are exhausted with life, and who do not believe things can get any better, to spend time watching the sea.  The line refers to someone who is 'vexed and tired' with their life.  The din or constant clamor of life has worn them down.  Keats is saying that no matter how bad things are, life is unpredictable, and can change for the better in a instant... Keats is addressing every human being who has become exhausted with life... telling them to look to the sea, or to the contrasting nature of human life for hope and the will to move on.  He is suggesting that the volatile nature of our own lives can change as quickly as the sea."

I sense a trip to the sea coming on...

Magic Happens!

In many ways this year has felt like one of the longest of my life.  I have struggled and hobbled and fumbled my way through others, but I do not recall a year where I have been so challenged to give true value to my strengths and desires.

I have worked hard and been extraordinarily patient.  I have been given wonderful opportunities and an inordinate amount of understanding and flexibility. Ultimately however, I have only struggled and despaired.

So I made a tough call. I let go of the shoulds and looked in the face of my fear. 

Fortuitously I came across a book in my library this evening called 'The Dolphin'.  It had belonged to my parents and I hadn't read it before.  It is a beautiful story about a courageous little dolphin that leaves the safety of its Pod to follow his dreams.

Discovering new worlds will bring you

not only happiness and wisdom,

but also sadness and fear.

How could you value happiness,

without knowing what sadness is?

How could you achieve wisdom,

without facing your own fears?

In the end,

the great challenge in life is to overcome

the limits within yourself,

pushing them to places you would never

have dreamt they could go.

It was the perfect reminder to me of the importance of listening to the voice within, to trusting my instincts and facing my fears.

Perhaps dreams are made of

lots of hard work.

Perhaps if we try to cut corners,

we lose track of

the reason we started dreaming,

and at the end we find that

the dream no longer belongs to us.

Perhaps if we just follow the

wisdom from our heart, the time

will make sure we meet our destiny.

Remember:

When you are just about to give up,

when you feel that life has been

too hard on you;

Remember who you are.

Remember your dream.

I think I can breathe again... 

William Ricketts

A rewarding trip with one of my daughters last Friday to visit William Ricketts Sanctuary.  The fact that it was a cold, dim day in the Dandenongs did not hamper our spirits in the slightest.

 
William Ricketts lived until he was 94 years old and even into his 90s, his passion and compulsion for his work was clearly evident in video footage of him that is available for viewing at the Sanctuary.

The sculpture work in the gardens is prolific and wonderful but it was Ricketts' views about the importance of connecting with and appreciating nature, and through that, of indigenous Australians, that I found particularly inspiring.

I have had intentions of visiting this Sanctuary for many years and am glad that I finally made the effort to get there.  Well worth it... although possibly better saved for a sunnier day :)

A lovely treat at the end of our walk was a visit to Churinga Cafe (which is "conveniently" located near the carpark), where we shared a delicious Devonshire Tea.  Wonderful!

Smile

I am off to my grandmother's home this afternoon, although sadly she will not be there.  She passed away a few months ago and our family are gathering at her place for the last time.

I came across this video yesterday (https://vimeo.com/44041666) which reminded me in particular, of my grandfather.  He wore a similar hat, had lovely eyes and was always a great advocate for "happiness".  What I wouldn't do to feel his rough, warm hands in mine once more.

My grandmother on the other hand, loved nothing better than a good argument and her son (my dad) was a great match for her - fun and fire!

I am sad that I will never see my loving grandparents again yet there is comfort in my sense that they are together once more.

Back in the swing!

Having been suffering from some back pain in the last few weeks, I took the opportunity yesterday to go and have a quick massage.  I came home feeling completely wrecked, as you do when you finally act on that long overdue call to 'take care' and 'nuture'.

It was late-afternoon on a dim wintery Melbourne day, dinner was bubbling away nicely in the slow cooker and so I extended 'that call' and took a short nap.
 
I woke about 1/2 hour later with that snuggly, warm, rested feeling. Rain was trickling gently outside, the day was coming to a close and most importantly of all, there was nothing that I had to do. I have missed this feeling.

Completeness

Well, I thought it would never be done and have almost expired in the process BUT I finally managed to complete all of my study requirements for the semester. I hate rushing the creative process and forceful squashing of the perfectionist in me was required numerous times (eeek!) in order to make the finish line... but I did it!

I am forever grateful for those that have so patiently and consistently heard my wails of despair!!!  It has been a long and arduous year and I am so thankful for their generosity and support.

From the outside looking in, you could be forgiven for thinking that all this emotional turmoil is hardly worth the effort but as always for me, it is all in the personal learning journey and I have learnt a multitude of lessons here.  Of most note are these - one, that it definitely is worth it (easy to say in hindsight I know!) and the other - that I must prioritise time for quiet reflection if my life is to have true purpose and meaning.

With the benefit of some of space now (and soon to be energy I hope!) that will be my focus.

Perfection

After dragging my poor daughter and her friend out of bed on their day off yesterday (so that I could hand in my work), we spent a wonderful day wandering around the City.  Perfect!

Imbalance

Reflecting back through my blog, I am fascinated by my post titled 'Balance' from 3rd January.  It is as if I knew subconsciously where my year was heading and if I have only one regret right now, it is that I did not heed my own warning.

I came across this image recently in a fantastic book called 'Crazy Art' by Chantal Alles.  The photo was created by the Swedish photographer Erik Johansson and it is an excellent depiction of how I feel emotionally right now.

The French artist Yves Klein is someone I studied earlier this year and his 'Leap into the Void' also resonates.

As it states so inspiringly in flavorwire.com,

From signing the sky and creating his own blue pigment that represented it to painting with fire and flesh, Klein paved the way for the conceptual, minimal, and performance art movements that followed.  He made monochromatic paintings and sculptures, constructed a gallery exhibition out of nothing, threw the value of a work of art into a river, used nude bodies like brushes to apply paint to paper, let the wind and rain shape his canvases, and took a monumental leap into the void.

I am not intending to be cryptic or fatalistic here today.  At some time or another, we are all faced with a crossroad and what I have been challenged to understand this year is that there is no "right" path.  There are no "answers" waiting to be uncovered.  For me it is only in being fully present to my true emotions and authentic self that I can own my decisions and feel in control.  As someone who seeks affirmation way too frequently, I am realising that there is much work to be done.

So today I have been drawn back to a postcard image by Clare Nicholson that I used in my first attempt at visual journaling, back in 2006.

I recall vividly at the time being so proud of my first page and showing it to my Mum, just three weeks before she died.  Along with Clare's beautiful image were cut-out butterflies and painted flowers.  The page was titled 'Learning to Fly' and it felt like a turning point.

It is a poignant reminder to me today that I have the power to fly.  There is no need to leap.

Nurturing Creativity

If you have a spare 20 minutes (what's one more distraction from your day?), I can highly recommend this presentation by Sir Ken Robinson concerning the education system's failure to embrace creativity.  It is entertaining and engaging and provided some great laugh-out-loud moments for me!  I would love to hear your thoughts.

and if you can spare an extra 10 minutes...

The Air that I Breathe

The last few weeks have been a challenge.  After a short break from work and study following my grandmother's death, I attempted to make a subdued return to the 'land of the living'.  Unfortunately but perhaps not suprisingly, I have struggled to regain my energetic pace.  In catching up, I have had little time to surface for air and have guiltily spent any spare time on homework.

I was at my most stressed last weekend when I made the risky decision to have the day out to visit some galleries.  I couldn't really justify the time but was desperate for inspiration and am pleased to report that it was well worth the effort.  I will share more in another post but basically it confirmed all that my instinct was telling me about the importance of persisting with my study.  It also energised me enough that I could establish a plan of action to get through the next few weeks without expiring.

If my job is to continue and I certainly hope that it does, then I will definitely need to make some adjustments with regard to study going forward but I am extraordinarily pleased that I am not giving up on this Semester.

Painting

Our current project has required the construction of a maquette and for this, my grandmother was at the forefront of my mind.

Since last weekend I have worked tirelessly to get up-to-date and by the end of today, I should be under control.  I am so glad that I have persevered and can't wait to get to the weekend and spend some quality time with my lovely family... and perhaps do a drawing or two!

Grand Mother

My lovely grandma passed away last Saturday. It was a gentle, peaceful passing with time enough for loved ones to bid their farewells and give thanks – beautiful and precious moments.

Being no stranger to grief, I am only too aware of the importance of battening down the hatches now and shutting out the world. I am moving slowly and quietly. I am reminiscing and reflecting and just going with the flow. I am giving myself permission to be present to the grief.

This notion is generally foreign in the western world.  We are impatient of ritual and there is an ever-present urging to move forward and 'look on the bright side'. I am not ready to return to this world just yet.

I am finding solace in a vast array of places and today it was Just Jody’s blog. She had posted a video called ‘Ode to Great Mother’ from Sacred Resonance. I am not religious but it uses the words of an author that my own mother got inspiration from – Clarissa Pinkola Estes, and in watching it I felt instantly reassured by the universal spirit of motherly love.

Thank you!

My grandma has lived a long life,  94 years thus far. She has witnessed 'marvellous' and 'colossal' things as well as endured an abundance of grief and sadness.  She says she doesn't like to complain, often refers to herself as a 'nuisance' and frequently says 'thank you'.  Sometimes I dismiss these comments as ritual and habit but after visiting her in hospital this weekend, it occurred to me just how hard it is to express heartfelt thanks.  On this occasion, she had thanked me for doing something practical for her and I turned to her and said, “oh no, thank you”.  It was meant to mean so much but it felt pathetic.

How can I thank her for the gift of her genuine, unfaltering love and devotion?

How can I thank her for bringing the wonderment and joy of electric blankets and flannelette sheets into my life... the delicious waft and taste of lamb stock, barley and vegetable soup with 'duckies'... hot apple pie with ice-cream...  milky cups of tea, loaded with sugar, served on TV trays in the lounge... brisk, happy walks and tram trips up to 'Puckle'... birthdays never missed...

How can I thank her for her patience and for creating such a loving, homely environment where I have always felt wanted and nurtured, never a 'nuisance'.

Thank you Ma, from the heart.  I love you and am thinking of you.

Chairs

I have been a little occupied of late.  Three weeks ago I started a new job and at the same time, commenced a diploma course in Visual Arts.  It has taken some adjusting and will continue to be a challenge but at this stage, I feel energised and enthusiastic.

Before I commenced my first painting class in this new course, I was informed that we would be composing and painting 'a chair'.  I nearly fell off mine on hearing that, as my last experience of drawing a chair was a complete disaster.

I had just started a Certificate IV course in Visual Arts and the first task was to draw 'a chair'.  At the time, I was severely lacking in confidence and skill.  I was the sole mature age student amongst a cohort of young, artistic and talented students.  Drawing a chair that day was definitely the most challenging task that I undertook that year.  My picture was pathetic BUT it was a start and what I am most proud of is that I pushed through the challenges and persisted.  I finished the course and it changed my life.

I still lack confidence but now know that it is only through practice that I will improve.  I don't expect to create a masterpiece at every sitting.  I am as keen as ever to learn and am so excited by this study journey that I am continuing on.

Noise

I was due to start a new job on Monday but it has been postponed until next week.  Although I had an abundance of free time at home last year, I feel more readily able to treat myself this week knowing that work is just around the corner.  Ridiculous I know but there you have it!

So how did I go about treating myself today?  Well, I went and saw The Artist at the movies and thoroughly enjoyed it.  It is set in Hollywood in the late 1920s/early 1930s and centres on the careers of two actors - George Valentin (Jean Dujardin), an established actor struggling with the emergence of the talkies and Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo), an up-and-coming movie star.

This movie is predominantly silent (aside from some well placed music and sounds) and I found it particularly intriguing viewing for the modern day.  It left me contemplating the negative effect that words and noise can play in our society.  How it seems that everywhere we turn these days, we are bombarded with intrusive clatter and banging, all in the name of must do, must have and should be.

Football games are a perfect case in point.  Part of the attraction of going to the football for me is the social aspect.  Life can be hectic and football has always been a great way to see a game and catch up with friends and family.  My recall of games is often according to who I have attended them with and the hilarious and passionate debates and discussions we have had in the breaks.

Well, not much chance for that now.  As soon as you enter the ground these days you are confronted with thunderous, insistent and ear-splitting noise.  Advertising, commentating, money-making rubbish.  Watching a good game of football can be exciting, exhausting and loud.  What a shame that we can't just relax and ponder the atmosphere for a bit at half-time any more.

Fortunately there are many other ways to enjoy the company of others in peace and there will always be the memories of those great "silent" games of old!

Holidays

Today was the last day of the Summer school holidays for us.  Every year I get to this day and feel the same - a little sad that the holidays go by so quickly.

Fortunately today's weather forecast was perfect so we decided to spend it visiting the Zoo. Wonderful!  We wandered around at a leisurely pace, enjoying the animals and the beautiful surrounds.

Most particularly for me though, the joy was in simply appreciating some quality time with my gorgeous girls.

Of course, it doesn't all end here.  Starting a new school year is exciting, whiffs of promise and potential waft through the air.

I just need to remember to slow down and relax every now and again...

and to breathe...

Jubby

Finally the quiet day I had been hankering for in order that I could complete my Jubby Doll!

A few weeks ago I had my first attempt at dying fabric - lace for Jubby's dress. It didn't turn out as bright as I would have liked but I didn't have time to experiment. I actually wouldn't normally work with lace but the pattern I was following did, so I thought that I would give it a go in my own unique way (Creative Cloth Doll Faces by Patti Medaris Culea)

I really enjoyed making Jubby and am pleased that I overcame the hurdles that it took to get her finished.  If anything, I am most satisfied with that simple fact - that I have seen a project through to completion :)  I feel surprisingly free and inspired and overall I am happy with the result.

She will sit in my studio now and be an ever-present reminder to me of what is possible if I am patient and persistent.  Thanks Jubby... and thanks Mum!

The Sea

Well it seems that I am being drawn to the sea lately.  Not too surprising I guess, considering that it is Summer here at the moment.

A Garden

This photo looks like it could have been taken on some faraway, exotic island... oooh, how I wish :)  But no, it is actually beautiful Mornington Peninsula in Victoria.

My sister and I had a lovely visit to Heronswood Gardens there yesterday (http://www.diggers.com.au/gardens-and-cafes/gardens/heronswood.aspx).  It was an extremely hot day so the children were happy to sit in the shade and chat whilst we wandered and explored.  A wonderful place to be inspired and to dream.

A Book

I am currently enjoying reading The Lightkeeper's Wife by Karen Viggers.  It tells the story of a dying woman who is reflecting on her life, particularly the 25 years that she spent living in a lighthouse with her family.  It also features her son who is struggling with issues of his own and time he has spent working in Antarctica.  

I am interested in where this story might be taking me but I am also enjoying it for the wonderful references to the wild, windy and isolated parts of the Australian coastline and Antarctica.

A Movie

And now today, I have just heard from a dear friend about a movie called South Solitary which looks like the perfect accompaniment for my book!!  Thank you!

Emma Hack

A lovely visit yesterday to sunny Queenscliff to see Emma Hack's exhibition at Seaview Gallery.  You may know her from the work she did on Gotye's video clip for Somebody That I Used to Know.  Amazingly beautiful but extraordinarily time consuming work!  Fabulous.

I took my eldest daughter with me, who was none too impressed about the prospect of a long drive or an exhibition for that matter.  However, it was a lovely thing to do as a one-to-one with her and we had a great day.  Well, she didn't go so far as to say it was great but I was very satisfied with an alright!  

Priorities

Well, as predicted, all quiet on the creative-front since my lovely family arrived home from their holiday.  It has been so wonderful to have them all home again but it has been a struggle to readjust my pace as well as give myself permission to get back to work.  Suffice to say that the Jubby Doll has lain dormant.

I was inspired by a post on the Daily OM a few days ago about Embracing Your Muse and am keen to get going on Jubby again today.  A little trip to the craft shop first and then we'll see how we go.

I came across a remarkable Melbourne artist recently - Michael Peck http://www.michaelpeckart.com/

Michael uses his art as a way of expressing some of his anxieties and sees it as a positive way to connect with people and relieve some of the loneliness that fear provokes in us (http://www.metrogallery.com.au/exhibitions/46/michael-peck-the-landing/)

His words resonated with me because it is in part my artistic driving force.  I am a deep thinker and observer and get frustrated by my inability to express my thoughts adequately or articulately to others.  Being creative and getting deeply absorbed in my work is a tremendously rewarding and satisfying outlet for me.

The challenge for me is in identifying it as important enough for me to see it as a priority.

What inspires or helps you to do the things that you feel passionate about?

Photography

Popped in, albeit all too briefly, to a couple of wonderful exhibitions on display at the Monash Gallery of Art yesterday - http://www.mga.org.au/

Brummels: Australia's first gallery of photography

This exhibition showcases the work of a number of photographers who exhibited work in the Brummels Gallery in the 1970s.  Brummels was located above a restaurant in South Yarra and was established by a well known photographer, Rennie Ellis from 1972-1979.  It was the first gallery of its kind in Australia to display photography in its own right.

I thoroughly enjoyed viewing these pictures for the talented ability of the photographers to creatively capture the essence of that time and the people.

Tim Handfield, Deep Skin

I loved Tim's photographs and will definitely be heading back for a second viewing before his exhibition closes.  Tim's ability to capture simple, urban objects and scenes was stunning and particularly beautiful.

The Doll

The Jubby Doll is coming along.  More hair and clothes are to come.  I can't wait to see my gorgeous family back home tonight but will be interested to see how well I maintain the momentum with my creativity :)

Melancholia

A pleasant outing to see the movie Melancholia today.  In brief, it centres on two sisters and their relationship at a time when a planet named Meloncholia is on a collision course with Earth.  The opening scenes are spectacular and the acting throughout was outstanding.  Kirsten Dunst certainly deserves the accolades she has received for her portrayal of Justine.  Alexander Skarsgard was great although I found it a little difficult to take him seriously following his role as Eric Northman in True Blood.  I kept expecting his fangs to pop out :)

The main negative for me was suffering slight motion sickness for the best part of the second half of the film, due to the hand-held nature of the camera work.

This movie is long and slow in parts and deals with depressing themes but overall I enjoyed it for its beauty and its depth.

Anyone else seen a movie of worth recently?

Trust

So, it seems this week that I am learning to trust the process.  Revved up, inspired and ready to commence work on my Jubby Doll the other day, I discovered that my best sewing scissors were missing - grrrrr!  (Fortunately the benefits of sharing a studio far outweigh any pitfalls!!)  After considerable searching and feeble attempts at sharpening other pairs, I gave up.  It was a public holiday, no shops were open and I was defeated :(

With the benefit of free time, I reflected on my Jubby Doll.  It occurred to me that my creative spirit and confidence had expanded considerably since I had started her back in 2009.  The Jubby Doll that I had intended then, wouldn't really serve the same purpose now.  I needed something vibrant, colourful and unique.

Riffling through my fabrics for ideas, it suddenly dawned on me that there was another unfinished project waiting silently in the wings.  Some years ago, while helping sort through my Mum's studio after she had passed away, I came across cut-out pattern pieces and sketches for a doll.  To my amazement, my Mum had photocopied some material from a library book that I actually happened to own - 'Creative Cloth Doll Faces' by Patti Medaris Culea.  I considered it a precious gift that would require confidence and tenacity to tackle.

So now, today, it is exactly what I have been looking for - something initiated and inspired by my dear Mum that I can expand upon and extend.  Perfect!

A little bit of work yesterday and some more today and she has some body parts and a face.

I am ok with the fact that the other Jubby Doll now lays incomplete.  She isn't a failure but rather an important part of this process that is all about creating!

Balance

For the remainder of this week I have some rare time alone whilst my beloved family are distracted elsewhere having fun in the sun.  In anticipation of this time, my thoughts have naturally turned to the benefits of using it to complete some household tasks that would be more easily done in their absence.  I had visions of menu planning and cooking ahead, cleaning and tidying, feature wall painting, soil shifting, car cleaning, dog washing...

STOP!  STOP!  STOOOOOP!

Phew!  It has taken some time and been a bit of a struggle but I have finally shifted the shoulds and given myself permission instead to play!

I came across Janine Antoni recently and thought I would share something of hers that I found particularly inspiring.  Janine is a contemporary artist whose main focus is on the creative process. According to a presentation she gave at the 'Thinking Like an Artist Conference' at Guggenheim http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_4YoZqfBY0 she considers the ability to play as a significant factor in being creative.  She also speaks about the importance of paying attention to mistakes and being open to the process, as both makers and viewers.  I was really encouraged by her thoughts.

The following is one of her installation pieces 'Touch 2002'.  I thought her reference to finding balance is particularly pertinent as we head into yet another year.